On Newspapers and Schoolchildren

Around these parts the public schools are back in session and that means I'm having trouble reading my local newspaper again. The carrier delivers the paper to the curb at the end of our driveway in the wee hours of the morning and if we don't get out there to get it before the children start walking past our house on the way to the elementary school about a block away it has a tendency to disappear. We have a nice fence around our yard and we have asked the carrier supervisor to have our copy thrown over the fence (another six inches in linear distance from it's usual resting spot) so as to reduce the chance that one of the impulsive munchkins would walk off with it.

"Well, Mr. Wickham, our carriers have large rounds to make and are on a tight schedule so they don't have time to put the paper nice and tidy on every body's front porch."

I didn't ask for it to be put on the porch. I just want it over the fence. I guess that minimum altitude of 54 inches is a bit too much for y'all.

"Maybe you can get up earlier."

Maybe I can stay up all night and greet your carrier with a cup of coffee, too, but that might start to cramp my hectic social life.

"Well, is anyone in your home disabled?"

Yes. I am. I have to walk with a cane or crutches and occasionally I have to use a wheelchair, but what has that got to do with me not getting my newspaper?

"Since someone in your home is disabled we have to take the extra measures to make sure you can get your paper within the limitations of your disabilities."

How about taking the extra measures because I'm a paying customer who is not the getting the product I am paying good money for?

"I'll have a talk with your carrier and we'll see if we can get this worked out for you, Mr. Wickham. In the meantime you might want to report this theft to your local police so they can try to catch the bandit that keeps taking your paper."

What a novel idea! Calling the police to report a theft? Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, wait. I did.

"Well, Mr. Wickham, I've taken this report and I'll tell the patrol division to keep an eye out for the thief or thieves but those officers are pretty business with all the crime we have going on in our little town."

Yes, indeed. I've noticed your officers are always busy harassing the local drug dealers and checking on the safety of the prettier clerks in the numerous "Stop-N-Robs" around our sprawling metropolis.

"You know, in a way we really can't consider it YOUR paper that is being stolen since the carrier is not getting it into your yard before the thief takes it. Since its still out here by the curb we might just consider the thief to be picking up roadside trash. Maybe you should tell the carrier you want your paper thrown over the fence."

What a novel idea! Have the carrier throw the paper over the fence? Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, wait. I did.

And I still don't have my paper.

We are starting to wonder why we still get it. We get most of our "printed" news in a more timely fashion on the Internet and if we need something more up-to-date we watch Fox News for national and international affairs and our nearby NBC affiliate for local news and weather. I would have to say the main reason, beyond tradition, is for the advertising. We like to see what bargains and specials the local businesses are offering us to come shop at them. If there was only a way we could let them know that they can save their advertising money by taking another route instead of our local paper. Maybe I could make a posting on the Internet that they can all read.

What a novel idea! A single post on the Internet to get out this bit of news to our local businesses? Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, wait. I did...